Scary scary thing

Yesterday I did the unthinkable. I know it sounds silly but I have always thought of a name since I was 12, okay, since I was 19 perhaps. A name. It resonates in my brain, it lingers in my memories, it is my safest haven. It's like that movie "Only You" starred by Marisa Tomei and Robert Downey Jr. Yes almost like that. But mine was made up. I was looking for the perfect guy and I was a late bloomer. I keep making up a name, a person. Until I got stuck with a name and it was with me ever since. Well, the name disappears everytime I am involved with someone. Because I still live in realities. But recently, I had a fallout with myself and I felt destitute, desolate, confused, lost, miserable, depressed, you name it. The name came back again. It is always my safest route. My most intimate relationship in my mind, almost the perfect one. If only it was real. Yes I know it is not. Daydreamers can relate to what I am talking about.

So, yesterday, I typed the name unto google. Nothing came. Well, the name is really different, or probably, those named like that were just either losers or have not achieved anything better in their lives. Look who's talking. Okay, my apologies. I googled and google failed me. So I turned to friendster. I typed the name. And there it was, he exists. Honestly, I came up with a name after a dream when I was in high school. Probably fourth year high school. I remember that day I woke up after that dream. I was in a trance. It felt like, now I know who I want to be with. It was an eerie belongingness feeling of sort. So the name. No, I cannot say it here. I would not utter it. Not at all. Yes, he exists. And at a place that I like. When his profile showed up, I swear, I had goosebumps. It felt like my whole world turned over. Like, I was shocked. Mortified. Petrified. It is such a bizarre coincidence. It almost made me cry. But I swear I am scared off my pants. Everytime I wander in that profile, it just gives me that same feeling of eerie belongingness. For goodness sake, I am scared. The guy is probably insane. Or a murderer or a serial killer. Or a pervert. Man. And I built him up so high. For one, he was a lawyer in my mind. We had a joint 2 storey mansion with huge staircase and a grand piano at the ground floor. Everything was almost white. Yes, I am the one insane. Call me nuts but who in the world would not want a place where you can retreat to when the world is going crazy? Where can you go? Where else? Where else can you go when you just want to get away from everything but cannot go anywhere? In your mind. I can imagine the most vivid of all my dreams. In my mind. I get the goosebumps.

He even looks like he is a racist, like a member of the Klu Klux Clan. Too bad. I hope not. It is just so weird. Everytime I think of it, I run short of breath. It feels like a miracle that he exists. Maybe its just another girl putting up the same name we both came up with. I hope he doesn't think I'm a stalker, coz I probably am. If he lived nearby I would be knocking on his door asking him what he was doing when I was 12. Heavens above, help this woman under.

Let there be light. For now, I will resolve to my dreams where I know the man and he is kind.

Remember, be careful what you wish for.

Let the gods be around me.