Why

Why am I here? Because I chose to be here. Despite everything, inspite everything, I am here because I choose to be here.

Love and Need

Why do most of us define love and need as the same? We all have idiosyncracies towards love that we need only to find that someone who view the emotion the way we do in order to survive a relationship. But in every relationship, we become something or someone which we do not want to become. Some people would be with you letting you believe that they love you, but they do not love you. The truth is they need you. Some need you to cling on, to support them, to help them identify what they feel, to be their companion in their times of sadness, to be with them because they feel alone. Some need you to help them distinguish what love is. So much confusion, so much exasperation.

Love, I have always thought it to be a free emotion, something that will leave you deliriously happy, something that puts you into a different level of joy. But the more I subscribe into it, or experience it, the m0re difficult it becomes to be understood. People cling on to you, telling you they love you, not knowing they do not even know what you go through. Instead, you love them and teach them to be strong but it is not enough, they want more of you, they take from you, until you feel like there is nothing left of you. I always believed, love inherently bears fruit for you, lets you grow as you allow others to grow, lets you live as you let others live. But the more we declare its existence, the more unsure we are of our existence. Do we run out of love? Do others just continue to be in it for fear of hurting others? Or what is it? Surely, each one of has has a beaker for this emotion, the more you let out, the lesser it becomes, that is why we need someone who loves us back in order to fill the space that we have taken it from. We are not God who can say, "my cup runneth over" and that it will last and it will endure when everyone who claims just wants to take and take and take.

A relationship puts pressure, so much it drives us into frenzy of furious changes, excacerbating whirlpool of questions and answers we do not even know exists. It changes us and forges us into strangers even towards ourselves so fast you can barely feel it until you find yourself lost and alone in a relationship meant for two individuals to share. It leaves you depleted, drained and utterly naked there is sometimes no more room for apathy. It just leaves us with moments of void. This must be the curse of love. Is there such a love that just lets you be?

Some forms of pressure of the so-called-love are: love me or leave me (can you at least love me first??), love me or I will kill myself; love me or you will never see me again; love me or don't have anything to do with me; love me but shut up; love me but leave me alone; love me but don't be with me; love me but don't marry me; love me but marry me-now!; love me but keep things the same as always; love me but change for me; love me but leave your friends; love me and just love me-don't expect me to love you in return; love me but be forget everything you ever gave a damn about; just love me; love me but don't dress like that; love me but stay at home. Love me crap. I guess we make crap out of love or love makes crap out of us.

People say overtime in a relationship, you are not the same person I loved before. Like hello?? Didn't you make me into this?