Need or Want

My sweetie is a wanted man. Not by the authorities, or the FBI, or Interpol, but by me. He’s definitely wanted. However, I must honestly say, he’s definitely not needed. Nope. Absolutely not. I don’t need him at all.

Does that mean I’m a heartless witch? Certainly not. It simply means I understand the difference between "want" and "need." Do you? You should.

I think too many relationships are ruined or fail because the participants base them on need rather than want.

Frankly, I don’t think you should really ever need anybody.

You need to be responsible for yourself and your own happiness. As an adult, you need to be able to take care of yourself. You should not need anyone to define who you are or make decisions for you. You certainly do not need anyone to validate your existence or make you whole. You need to make a life for yourself, based on your own dreams and aspirations. You don’t need someone else for that.

You do need food, shelter, clothing and shoes. (You probably actually need only about two pairs of shoes, by the way -- just in case you were reading this while also daydreaming about those black sandals that have a slightly different heel than the other three pairs of black sandals you already have). You need to take care of your health. You need to generate income somehow to support yourself and perhaps a family.

And you can want someone to be there with you. You can want companionship, a playmate, a sounding board. You can want a lover and a friend. You can want to spend your entire life with someone, grow old and wrinkly -- or just be old and wrinkly.

But need is a scary thing. If you need to have him call you more than once a day, or need to hear she loves you all the time, or need to be in a relationship, you don’t just have a need; you have a problem.

A need like that means you have a hole in yourself that you need to fix first. Something has caused your lack of confidence or insecurity -- whether it is a result of your upbringing or previous relationships. But the only one who can fix it is you. The only one who can make you whole is you.

You cannot and should not expect someone else to make you happy. As I say over and over, you are responsible for your own happiness. Until you are content and happy with yourself alone, no one will be able to satisfy you. If you don’t know what will make you happy in life, how will you ever know when you’ve got it?

Having a relationship or getting married is not the answer to your happiness. In fact, if you ask around, at least half of the people will tell you it was the beginning of their heartache, not the end.

If you can get rid of the notion of "needing" someone for a relationship, you will be a lot happier. Learning how to make yourself happy and being able to take care of yourself is a wonderful, liberating thing. Knowing you are beholden to no person, that should everyone around you suddenly disappear you would still be able to survive, gives you enormous strength. Fear disappears, and in its place is peace.

Sometimes, in my idle moments, I like to go through little "what-if" scenarios in my mind. I’ll randomly pick something in my life and go through a little plan just in case. Like, what if I lose my job, or what if a hurricane blows the roof off my townhouse, or what if my car gets smashed up? Then I think through the various options and come up with a plan I can file for later use. I hope I’ll never need it, but simply the fact that I’ve thought it through makes me feel better.

I’m the happiest and most content I’ve ever been in my current relationship because I really don’t need him. I’ve already thought through how I’ll deal with retirement, or supporting myself, or whatever it is. But I love being with him. He makes my life better and richer. He lightens my day-to-day load, and adds fun and pleasure. I don’t need anything he gives me, but I certainly don’t want it to end.