Searching

The future holds the unknown, the mystery brings fear, apprehension and sometimes desperate attempts to assuage the dread of not knowing whether we live or die sooner or later coerces us to take in moments that fill the silence with anything that resembles love or joy. The epicurean soul seeks to feel greater happiness in every moment. Be it wrong or right. Where does commitment begin? I have committed myself to the God above for a long time and have besieged Him with His own words to give me the elation that I seek in my mortal everyday life. The tiny pleasures that make us smile, the minute notions that make us laugh, the feeling of being loved. I have rarely felt that in a consistent manner from anyone. It is always droplets, sparkles, peeks, glances, little delights? If love is real, must it always feel like a poke and hide emotion? Is there such a thing as grand felicity?

I seek to find that love that they all call divine. I have searched for so long. Maybe they just made it up, maybe it is a lie. They say you will feel it when somebody loves you. I hear somebody say 'i love you' to me, and another one, and another one. The years have gone by and still they all felt empty to me. Is it me or the words or the one who said it? Is it the circumstance or the place?

Perhaps I have always placed love and all its rigamaroles along with its nobility in an arena filled with roses and other beautiful flowers. In my mind that is what I believed it to be. Bed of roses and gardens of lilies, with blue skies and white clouds. Is it wrong to think of it this way? Must I abandon my thoughts because someone said he loves me? Where is that feeling of blessedness that is supposed to surround me when someone holds me? Where is that passion? Where is that heat when the distance between two people who are in love is too much to bear? Where is that agonizing beautiful pain of longing to be together? When do they last, when do they end? Where do they begin?

Must I let go and seek once more? Tell me. But if I let go and find out I found what I was searching for and it is nothing close to what I have imagined, would it be wrong to still hold on to you?

Perhaps it is wrong to live and love and still hold that feeling that something is greater than this.