The Curse of Love

When our lives have been molded by love, it becomes a curse that we carry for the rest of our lives. We love and we care for other people's feelings, we submit to their demands, even in our own pool of qualm because we love them. We seek to find ways to let them know that we love them. But in the end the question that really haunts us is, do they really love us in return? Will they love us in return? And if they will love us, will they love us the way we love them?

So many sacrifices we make, so many things we give up and it will never be enough for them. Take your siblings, just because of the blood that binds you to each other makes you feel a responsibility of being obligated to you over your sibling. Even when the two of you have lived separate lives, even when the two of you have grown apart and have not really shared anything much other than the lives when you were growing up. What huge responsibility it is to have over someone and you do not even desire it, much less enjoy it. But because it was written, love your family, so you take the cross, you take the inconvenience, you take whatever it is you have to take and swallow your own anger, ruin your own comfort zone, destroy your inner peace because you have to love. Is love not a curse?

And what of people who tell you that they love you. Love. People use it to get something from you, be it sex, your companionship, your friendship, anything they can take from you. They will use the word love but the truth is, you are the one who love them because you are the one who give. You give because you love. It gives your pleasure, it gives you pain. But that is still never enough for them.

Love is a curse, no better, no worse. It is an ongoing curse which have been imbedded in us since childhood. It is a curse that so many people suffer from and sometimes I just do not want to feel it anymore. I just want to be selfish, live my life selfishly. I see others take and take from other people who love them. They bask in it. But I have rarely experienced that. For me, love has always been a painful experience, I have to sacrifice, I have to give, rarely recieve anything. And though a time comes when you receive you have to give back twenty times more of what was given to you and it will never be enough still. Because the people who tell you that they love you, when they give they will always remind you of a one time that they have given you something. So in return, you have to feel obliged that you have to make up for it. But whatever you do will never be equal to what they have sacrificed for you no matter how trivial it was from them, for you. You have to pay for everything twice as much and more.

You sacrifice, you give, thinking this is love, it will get better, one day they will love you back. But what if they don't? What if they abandon you instead? What if they will just forget everything and you have actually wasted your life? Is love an ongoing sacrifice all the time? Does it always have to hurt? Does it always have to be the lover giving and the loved being given? When does it cease to be like hell and start to feel like heaven? When does it cease to feel like a purgatoric feeling? A limbo of so many things that are all unresolved? A pile of pathetic hopes, dreams, desires and promises? When do they actually start to feel real? When does the pain end and allow joy to seep in?

Maybe when time comes, only God will make me feel. Maybe one day.

I just feel so unloved these days. Maybe this is the curse of love too.