Paranoia seeping in...

It must be this time of the year. I feel paranoid about everyone around me. I fear that everyone is conspiring to make me do two things all the time - get fat and spend all my money. I have developed a belly that is larger than my bosom, it sags, and my behind has expanded double. I blame it all on everyone who offers me food. I always think, they hate me too much so they want to make me fat. No matter what I avoid eating, it always ends up in my hands then on to my mouth. My stomach can now take around 7 platefuls of anything and probably still crave for more. I have become overwweight and disgusting, worse-paranoid.

There is sale everywhere and I cannot control not going in the shops. In the last two weeks, I probably have bought 7 bags and 10 clothes. Scary. That is like the entire marble floor of my bathroom in my new house.

I am trying to find sites for these things I am going through:

http://www.paranoiamagazine.com/ (this is actually the conspiracy theories surrounding us today)

http://www.azcentral.com/business/columns/articles/0808action08.html (they say a little paranoia is a healthy thing)

http://www.schizophrenia.com/blog20/ (a wife's blog)

Someone told me I am schizophrenic, eew. Not really, but I would agree on the multiple personality thing. It helps us alienate ourselves from existing and direct problems, makes us think of solutions outside the box.

Anyways, I should really learn to just steer clear of food and shopping malls. Not unless I can afford it.

Day before eysterday I went to swim. The first time in almost six months. It was good, it felt good. But I only took laps for 30 minutes. Not much eh? But what to do really. I wanted not to attend the birthday party of a friend of mine but I had to. Another conspiracy going on against me. Sometimes I even participate. I will try to get membership in the gym but I don't really fancy the gym, the pool is enough for me. I wish there will be no distractions. Why does everyone hate me??

People ask too much from me. They demand too much. I always give and make better out of myself for them. I do not demand anything from anybody yet if I do not give in to some request, I feel like a villain and people around me sulk, become sad, go into tantrums, it is just so annoying. Why can't people let me be?

Have you ever felt so alone even with people around you?? I feel that a lot. I feel like people are only there because they need me, because I can give them something, because they can take something from me, but they are not really there for me.