Knight in Shining Armor

Most women seek for a knight in shining armor. They dont really need to be princes or knights or someone who wears an armor. It is just a particular someone.

What it means for me is that a man should be able to love or at least show that he loves the woman much more than the woman loves him. Someone, who is a man (or maybe a woman for others) who is less insecure than the woman herself, someone stronger than the emotion itself. Someone who can be anywhere and still know that he has the woman he loves and who loves him. Is it such a noble search? Or an ignoble one? It is an elusive situation.

Most of my relationships have seemingly been dysfunctional. I always thought a man can make me feel better, a man is someone I can go to and lean my head on his shoulder, I can be weak, I can be myself, I can be strong, I can be anywhere and I will still know that he loves me, because he does love me in the first place, and I will always have that someone to go back to and be loved. But, in most cases, I have been the stronger one, I have been the one who needs to reassure them that I have feelings for them, I have been the one to be the man despite being a woman, and I end up feeling worn out, burnt, drained. It is disheartening because people should live their lives for themselves, I end up living my life for others. I feel wantonly flailing as I see my emotions being bitten chip by chip by chip on the edges. I seek to confront it, but the more I try to make things better for two people, the more chips are being bitten off. I get dazed, shaken, imbalanced. And I become like a rebel, I conjure things to make me feel that I can get away from it all. Other times I have found myself in the arms of others, or involved in some projectst that are absurd, or shopping for lots of shoes, other times I have been lost in some psychedelic situations and bizarre moments. Other times I get involved with men that I didnt even think I would like to be with, but I was younger then. I am a lot older now and I just feel like it is a waste of time, futile reckless consumption of emotion, in all this conundrum of questions and confusions, I feel like I am wasting my life in the process.

Is there really a knight in shining armor? Or are they just ghosts under the armour? We are the ones who need to fill the shining armour with the emotions that we need, stuff in the characteristics that we seek and squeeze in the strength that we aspire?

More often, it is just like this. I am seeking for answers for the questions that I have lived. Do you think apathy is better than all this disarray of thoughts? Tell me. Because I really need to know.